December 13, 2005
Ten things I need to say, some trivial, some not:
1. I am never completely relaxed with you because I think you might secretly hate me and just be biding your time until you publicly humiliate me. So why do I hang around? Because I admire you and would like to be your friend. I know–it doesn’t make a lot of sense.
2. That bone the plumber fished out of the toilet all those years ago? That wasn’t the dog’s fault. That was me. But you thought it was such a cute story–the dog burying her bone in the toilet–that I didn’t confess. I further justify this by telling myself it’s really your fault the bone ended up in there, because I was just doing a good deed and cleaning out the refrigerator and pouring the muck from that pot that had been there who knows how long into the toilet seemed like the best way to get rid of it since we didn’t have a garbage disposal in the sink and it was too liquid to dump in the trash. I didn’t see the bone, though I will admit I didn’t look, since it was almost too gross to bear as it was.
3. I’m sorry I didn’t call you or at least hit the reply button and type a few words of best wishes when you sent out that e-mail announcing you were moving in with your boyfriend. That’s what a friend would have done, a good one, anyway, one who wasn’t feeling resentful toward the boyfriend because I assume he’s the reason I haven’t seen you since early summer when we used to get together three or four times a month.
4. You are not going to score any points with Mom by telling her I am trying to avoid her. She will not believe you and will call me up and pass along all the things you said. Also, it is not my fault that she waited so long to clean out the basement.
5. When you don’t reply to my e-mails for a couple of weeks, I wonder if I’ve scared you off. Then I wonder if I’m being stupid. Then when you do reply, I wait a while to respond so I don’t come off as too needy or eager. I wonder if you notice the delay and are wondering if *you’ve* scared *me* off. I really want our friendship to develop and I’m scared it won’t.
6. I would tell you the reasons I haven’t been in touch, but I don’t think you care. I think you’d tell me I’m too sensitive, and you might be right, but too sensitive or not my feelings were hurt and I don’t want to come back for more of the same.
7. Please use a lj-cut if your entry is more than one screen long. Here’s how. I know, I’m the one who doesn’t like blogs with the “read more” feature, but a LJ friends page is a whole different thing.
8. When I was worried about trying something new and you told me I will pee myself laughing at how silly I was being once I took the plunge, that felt dismissive rather than supportive.
9. I am sorry I am so cranky sometimes. You don’t deserve it.
10. When you were chiding people who do memes in their journals, were you talking about me?
One year ago, I was fussed about how my ski trip ended.
Two years ago, there was no entry because I need to ski sometimes, you know.
Three years ago, I wasn’t quite ready to give up on my goal of weighing 140 pounds. Now, I’d be ecstatic to be in the 150s again as I was then.