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Archive for April 5th, 2002

Opening Day

April 5, 2002

Today is the home opener for the Tigers, so it’s no surprise that the forecast was for snow flurries. When I am Commissioner of All Sports, the baseball season won’t open until the end of May. The World Series, which will include teams from Japan and Cuba and anywhere else I decide to organize leagues, will wrap up in September. I haven’t figured out how to handle the southern hemisphere yet; if I’m going to have world championships AND get the seasons aligned with the weather, well, I’m in trouble. The guiding principles of my regime:

Seasonal appropriateness
Baseball in the summer, with spring training in the spring. Football in the fall. Hockey in the winter. The Stanley Cup will not be won in June. I haven’t settled on a spring sport yet. Maybe basketball. Maybe soccer.

Sartorial correctness
Baseball players will wear pants that end below their knees, not at their ankles. Part of the reason for uniforms is to set players apart from the public, and if they’re all wearing sweatpants, it just doesn’t work. Any players who are wearing athletic supporters under white uniform pants in any sport will be required to have elastic on the former which blends with their skin color. This is especially important for football players, who spend so much time bending over. No more white stripes on dark butts.

No designated hitter. I want strategy, not slugging.

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