Hat on Top, Coat Below


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March 30, 2005

I’m tired. I’m unmotivated. Everything I do seems to take way longer and require more effort than it should. Some things I haven’t been doing at all because I just can’t muster the energy. There’s no reasonable reason I should feel this way, and that makes me mad at myself. I’m trying not to give in to feeling bad. I’m trying not to wallow. I’m trying to keep moving at least in baby steps. I’m trying to project a positive and cheerful face to the world, hoping my interior will somehow start to match my exterior. That hasn’t been really been working so well.

Part of the problem is I’ve fallen out of love with my job. Yes, it’s still better than any other job I’ve ever had, but it’s not what it used to be. The company’s getting bigger and that means more procedures and more controls and less freedom. Have I written about this before? It feels like I have. At some point, I expect I’ll have written about everything before and have to start posting entries in the form of videos of interpretive dance routines, which, thanks to practicing Nia, I’ll at least have some moves for. Anyway, work has been bumming me out more than usual lately, and since that’s where I spend most of my waking hours, that’s made my overall happiness meter reading fall. I’m approaching my six-year anniversary here, which is pretty much as long as I’ve worked at any job. I wonder if instead of getting a seven-year itch in my marriage, I get them at work. I can commit to a man for the long-term, but not a company.

What do I do now? Try to re-ignite the romance between me and Purple Systems or accept that we’re going to be just friends from now on? Maybe it’s best to sit tight until my mood improves, as it always does once the weather gets warm and stays that way and the flowers bloom and baby birds show up on the patio. (Or baby squirrels. I’ve never seen a baby squirrel on the patio, but Mr. Karen did on Monday–I was at stupid work. Maybe I’ll get lucky this weekend. Or maybe it’ll be all grown up by then. I don’t know much about squirrel babies, obviously).


A year ago, I was starting to feel better after being stressed, so there’s hope.

Two years ago, there was no entry, even though I was participating in the AlphaBytes collab and should have been doing an entry almost every day if I wanted to get through the whole alphabet.

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